It’s 9:09pm, January 6th 2016 when I start writing this. I’m in bed supposed to be getting a quick nap while my daughter sleeps. My beautiful little poop machine had her food and is now fast asleep next to me.
I have a draft post where I tell you all about the day I started to labour and when I had her, etc etc. But I was lying here watching her sleep, when she smiled. A smile that melts my heart a thousand times over. So I decided to write this post instead.
My daughter Milahn was born on November 28th 2015 at 9:31am via a c section. It was supposed to be December 3rd but I’ll explain in another post why that didn’t happen. So anywho November 28th 2015; a day that will forever be the best day of my life. The absolute fricking best yo!!
What could possibly top meeting your child for the first time? This precious cargo I carried for 40 weeks was finally here!! She is worth every hormonal crying session, the swollen feet and stinky pregnancy farts. She is my perfect little pudding pop.
As she lays here, I glance at her often to ensure she’s breathing. It’s amazing how many times a day I do this. When I look at her chubby cheeks and perfect little nose all I can do is smile. I love her so so much. I’m truly blessed. She has already made me a better person. The positive impact she has made is truly incredible.
Again she smiles in her sleep, showing off her adorable dimples. All I feel is undying love. I will do what I have to do to ensure she is well taken care of. I will protect her as much as I am able as she comes of age. She is my princess and I will raise a queen.
It’s now January 7th 2016, 6:11pm. I stopped to watch her sleep and ended up drifting off. Lol I’m a new mommy, I’m tired. I’m here pumping milk as I finish this post before my pumpkin wakes up, but all I want is to fall asleep. I keep turning back to check on her, and as usual she’s smiling in her sleep.
Hold up..You know mommy duties stopped me from posting this lol…
As you may know, I was living in London for a year and some months. When I became pregnant I actually didn’t intend on coming back to Bermuda for a few years. My partner, who is also Bermudian, had no real intentions of leaving London either.
I figured I would come home when my daughter was maybe 4 or 5 years old. I didn’t want to separate father and child, but as my pregnancy went on something changed.
London wasn’t home. It was ok for me, a 30 something seeking adventure, but for my baby, no. Quality of life in London was ok as well. We lived in a really nice flat and comfortable area. The hospital and doctor’s office was very close by. The High St was not even a minute away and the bus and train links were excellent.
Thing is, I wanted her to experience what we had coming up as kids. I wanted her to be able to have a yard to play in and to feel the sunlight on her little toes. I wouldn’t have to go far so she can play in the ocean and build little sand castles on the pink sandy beaches.
She would get to see the Gombeys and eat snowballs, and enjoy what island life has to offer. More importantly though, she would get to be around family.
I discussed with my child’s father my feelings and concerns regarding staying and raising our daughter in London. Financially it would have been pretty difficult even though we were both working. I am not one to want to live off of benefits, so I was not trying to go that route. In Bermuda, the cost of living is very high, however you can make a very good wage. You may struggle, but the struggle is much easier compared to the struggles of London.
Then it came down to our support systems. We had little to no family and very little friends in London. Our mothers would have to fly out for the birth and I can say with no hesitation, I would have been depressed when they left, had we stayed in London.
I have to say he was super understanding and agreed it was best for us to return to Bermuda. I was soooo frickin relieved after that. I knew I would miss London, but having my first child in Bermuda became a no brainer. Once the decision was made, my pregnancy became really real after that. I was getting more excited and couldn’t wait to be back home.
I knew there would be much sacrifice and we were taking a leap of faith, but we both stepped out on faith when we left Bermuda and we were able to survive in London. Coming back to Bermuda would be easy as it’s home and so far so good.
I was hoping to be temping upon my return, however that didn’t work out as planned. I’m not used to not working so it did get me down a bit, however the free time has enabled me to work on my YouTube channel as well as my blogs. Now my due date is fast approaching so no work for me until February/March. It hasn’t always been easy, but I have the support of my family and friends and it has been greatly appreciated.
I suppose you could say coming home was one of the first major decisions I made as a mother and I truly have no regrets.
The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn’t been, and until the end of the world, there will not be, another child like him.
Baby Girl, let me introduce myself. This is mommy.
I’m that voice you hear, day in and day out. Singing various songs to you and voicing my worries and concerns throughout the day, when it’s just the two of us.
I’m that voice that says, ‘I love you pudding’ on a daily basis and asks if you’re ok.
I am also the person whose heart you have stolen and blessed at the same time.
I am mommy. It is my womb that you are resting in, playing in and doing flips in, that is keeping you warm and close until you’re ready to bless us with your presence.
It’s October 29, 2015 and I’m anxiously awaiting your arrival, your birthday. I wanted to say a few things before you came, and to tell you thank you.
Thank you for helping me to grow up. Before I became pregnant, I wasn’t a terrible person, but I, like many people could always do better. I was happy with the person I was and was becoming, but I always knew there was room for improvement. However, I didn’t realise how much until I became pregnant with you.
Baby girl, you have given me a sense of purpose. You have taught me to become selfless and showed me what sacrifice truly is. I now live for you. Everything I do is for you. You are my driving force and motivation. Baby Girl, I thank you.
Thank you for also showing me what true love is. I thank the Lord everyday for picking me to be your mommy. It’s an honour that can never be matched. My love for you is limitless and people always say that you love your child before you meet them. It’s so cliché, yet so true. Baby Girl, again I thank you.
Now, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared though. All I want to do is protect you and ensure you are well taken care of. I pray to God everyday that you’re healthy and all is and will be well. I never knew a worry like this until I became pregnant with you. It’s because of you I am becoming the woman I was meant to be, and I will do my very, very best to ensure you become the woman you are meant to be as well.
Baby Girl, I also want to apologize in advance, for any mistakes I may make and I hope they are very few. I am new to this, so please bare with me, but with the love and support from your daddy and our family and friends, those mistakes will be very few and not many.
So Baby Girl, soon we will officially meet. You’re my love and my heartbeat. I’ll see you soon my precious daughter, hopefully in December.
Since becoming pregnant I feel like I’ve become more enlightened. I sh*t you not life has taken on a whole new perspective. Things seem so much clearer. I have a deeper understanding of life that I didn’t have before and this is such a great thing. It shows I’ve matured and I’m growing mentally each day, as I prepare to become a mother. That brings me to this blog post.
In one of my enlightened moments I realised how much I took my mom for granted and how much we as society take our mothers for granted when they are living.
When your mom is living, do you ever miss her? Do you ever realise just how big of an impact she has in your life?
I used to sometimes get annoyed when my mom would want me to take her to the store or give her a lift somewhere. It only dawned on me once becoming pregnant, how much I missed doing those things for her. I feel so silly and petty when I think about it.
Since becoming pregnant, I have missed my mother so damn much!! She is alive and well, but she’s not here in the UK with me. I never realized how important it is to have your family close until now.
There have been days where I was feeling a bit weepy and the only person I wanted was my mom. I sh*t you not I would have my moment of tears and I would legit be crying to myself saying, ‘I want my momma.’ With my hormones turning up and my emotions just paying me no mind, I realised just how much I needed her; just how much I needed her calming voice and presence. Her presence alone would have been enough for those weepy moments.
I am very grateful that I still have my mom. Lord knows I am not trying to take that for granted. I am also very appreciative of the great relationship we have. My mom is the best and I thank God for her. She did her very best raising my sister and I, and I gotta say she did a great job. My sister and I aren’t perfect but we are pretty damn awesome. I can’t express how much my respect has grown for my mother.
I also have a new found respect for women whose mothers are no longer living or those who don’t have a good relationship with their mothers. Especially when they become mothers themselves. That is a journey that you most of all want to share with your mom. You want to be able to show her all of your pictures from your scans and tell her about your cravings. You’d want her to witness your growing baby bump especially. You’d have questions about when she was carrying you and what type of experiences she had as well. But more importantly you’d want her to be there for the birth of her grandchild. She’d be there to calm you and give you advice, and to also reassure you that you will be a great mother. She will always have your back no matter what because well….that’s what mothers do.
So…. I know the year is almost over, but how was your New Years? Mine sucked. I actually started off 2015 crying. Crying for various reasons. Bawling like a baby. Well maybe not bawling, but I was as sad as sad can be.
It was my first time living away from home and my family. I was feeling very lonely and was upset about my life in a nutshell. It wasn’t going along as planned; my simple yet awesome plan of just being bloody awesome.
Well as we all know life has a sense of humor…. Things don’t always go according to plan. Life does not care how great of a plan you have, nor how meticulous you was creating this exquisite plan.
So even though I ended 2014 in tears, I promised myself it wouldn’t start with more tears. I decided 2015 would be great. It would be effin epic and to do that I needed to let go of the things that had me in tears. I needed to let go of any insecurities I had and I needed to accept the things I could not change. It was time for me to take charge. I had goals and ambitions, so why the hell was I letting ‘stuff’ get me down.
Now it wasn’t easy. I had to write myself notes and set myself reminders. I had to remind myself that I am a queen and to always keep my chin up, head high. I knew what direction I wanted my life to go in and I was determined to get there. I also kept a diary of sorts. It was my way of releasing my raw feelings. I’ve actually kept a video diary in the past (I still use it.) and have found this very useful. It’s amazing to look back at yourself and see the raw emotion of happiness, sadness, excitement etc… You can look back and see how far you have come, or how far you may have back tracked.
So here I was, on a mission. I wanted to land a great job working in the city in London. I wanted to forget about guys (lol you know there’s always a guy in the mix) and not be concerned about being single at 33 years old. You know when a female is over 30 and single with no kids, it can play on your mind. Not all women obviously, but for me it definitely did.
I was going to start blogging and focus on my YouTube channel. I had plans, goals and I even had them written down on my vision board, so I can be reminded on a daily basis.
So fast forward a bit to February/March. I had a master plan. I know I know. Nothing goes according to plan and yes, I did get another reminder of this.
So I initiated the first part of my master plan. I decided to step out on faith and hand in my notice at my job. I was absolutely miserable there. Besides the work being mentally draining, the journey was stressful at times and it was costly to get there. So with no job lined up, I finished up work on a Friday and had an interview that following Monday. You see I was applying for soooo many jobs a day it was unreal and I figured, if I’m at home I could apply for loads more. At least 100 jobs a day minimum I applied for, and I did this everyday all day for two weeks. Then my leap of faith paid off. I was only out of work for two weeks and the first day of unemployment my flatmate had gotten a new job. It was perfect. The Lord’s timing is everything.
So I started working part time at a pharmacy, which will remain nameless. I was able to apply for work during the day and work at night. I enjoyed this because I was working near Trafaglar Square. I loved seeing the architecture and seeing the tourists on a daily basis. I even bumped into a Bermudian while at work, and an American tourist who has visited Bermuda for years.
Life was ok. No tears. No stress. My skin was clearing up. Oh!! Did I mention my skin had broken out due to stress?? My eyebrows had even shed!!! The stress had been showing when 2014 ended, but 2015 I was determined to tell stress to eff off.
So any who, I’m working at the pharmacy for a few weeks until one day I couldn’t get to work. I go to the cash point to take out some money to top up my oyster card. Well why the bloody hell does the machine keep my card?? So I go to the bank to see what’s happening, only to find out my bank account has been frozen!! I had no idea why and I was stuck. I couldn’t get to work. What’s worse is my employer wasn’t going to be paying me for another month. Have you ever heard of such??? Because they missed the payroll date I had to suffer?! They were taking a right piss I tell you!!
So now I must say, this was incredibly stressful for me. It wasn’t the end of the world but it felt like it to me. I couldn’t take out any money and I couldn’t get to work. Now, first let me tell you, the bank would not tell me why my account was frozen. They wouldn’t even apologize for any inconvenience. NOTHING. They told me I had to wait for a letter in the post. The post!!?? Now the bank was taking a right piss!! I will never forget, I went to the bank to see if I could get some answers and they again shut me down. I don’t know what came over me (actually I do now) but I sat there and cried in that bank. What was I going to do? I had no money, I couldn’t go to work and I had bills to pay. I felt like everything was going wrong. I left the bank, walked down the High St to our flat and as soon as I got home I cried and cried and cried. The ugly face, chest heaving crying. I cried some more when my flatmate came home. This was the most damn crying I had done since New Years Eve.
So since I wasn’t able to get paid from work, I took a Saturday job doing flyering for one of my favourite stores on Brick Lane. I was able to open a new bank account elsewhere and one of my friends lent me some money, bless their sweet heart. Side note, I have the best family and friends ever. My flatmate is the best as well. He had my back to the utmost. We have been through the struggle and have made a great team. Funny how life prepares you for things and you don’t even realise it.
So back to Brick Lane. That was one of the most humbling experiences ever. You all know what ‘flyering’ is right? Flyering is when you hand out flyers, pamphlets etc, to advertise a promotion, concert, daily specials etc. Now in Bermuda, we don’t really do this. We will stick flyers on your cars, in clubs, in stores and whatnot. A promoter may hand them out at a football game. Welllllll!!! This sucked lol. I did it though. I tried to get people to take these flyers, to try and urge them to take one so they could partake in a nice lil discount. All I can say is people can be mean. They will look down on you like you’re dirt beneath their feet. Quite amusing really. If the role was reversed, I’m pretty sure they would appreciate more kindness. So it goes. Who feels it knows it.
After awhile I got tired of the flyering. I was hungry as hell and ready to go home, so I did just that. Off I went back to Sutton where I lived. I was anticipating getting some curry for my flatmate and I. But I forgot there was something I needed to get first.